| | As I grow older I spend a lot more time pondering the idea of happiness; what it is as well as how to obtain it. Since September I have been completing the five state required classes needed to complete my interpreter certification. I finished the last class in May and am happy that I am finally finished with one more part of my certification (now just need to pass that pesky exam) In one class this spring we had to do a series of personal journals that answered questions about ourselves. I enjoy writing and so I found these assignments quite fun and interesting to do. Many of the questions we were asked to write about dealt with examining ourselves from the inside and looking at what kind of talents we possess as well as the negative things we feel about ourselves and how to change them. For me these journals were an eye opening experience for me as I delved deep into my own psyche to explore all the little things that made me who I am. I came to the realization that much of how I feel about myself in regards to success is negative. While I can't be sure and will never say its 100% one persons fault I do believe a lot of these feelings stem from my mother whose high expectations and disappointment in my lack of interest in things she feels have worth (math, science, academics, etc.) have created a cloud of self doubt and self worth over how I see myself. As a whole I have to say I am a optimistic cheerful and happy person and I truly do feel blessed in my life but there are days (like today) when I look at myself, my age, my accomplishments (or lack there of) and a kind of sad melancholy comes over me. Its true I never went to an Ivy League school like many of my cousins or perused a lucrative career and most days this matters very little to me, I am happy with the choices I have made perusing a job and career that not only brings me personal satisfaction but also something I truly have a knack for but other times I can't help but wonder if my mother is right in that I am sitting on wasted potential. In reality many of the things I feel I have a natural talent for, writing, people skills, a good memory, I think my mother sees as nothing of true worth and thus I myself also tend to look down on. One of the reasons I think I do this is because in my mind, and my mother's, none of these gifts are tangible and thus useless. For much of life I have struggled to find a talent of my own that was tangible and that others could see. I spent my childhood in a myriad of after school activities always doing well but never the best. Since I was a child I have always been a bit of a slower learned taking much longer to master a skill. My mother said while all the other babies were standing up and holding onto furniture learning to walk I continued to crawl until one day I not only stood but walked, ran, and climbed within hours of one another. The same went for talking, arithmetic swimming, etc. I was and am always a bit slower when it comes to new things, it takes time for my mind to process and adapt to a new lesson but once I master something I can usually catch up and surpass the rest of the group it just takes a little longer. My ADHD might have something to do with this I'm not sure. For many years my mother witnessed as the rest of the class passed me and pushed and pushed until I caught up. Over time the arguments, the frustration, and negative feelings caught up to me and I grew less and less willing to try new things for fear of failure. This followed me from childhood to adulthood now where I currently still shy away from new situations and experiences for fear of failure. While logically I realize most people can not pick up a new thing and become masters overnight inside where the negative talk lies I can not shake the fear, shame, and disappointment I have experience through the years. For many years I struggled with these feelings of inadequacy and while I am pleased with how far I have come I am sad to admit that this is one thing that has been harder to overcome. These feelings coupled with my ADHD which causes me to start projects and drop them rather quickly as my mind becomes focused on something new add up to a day like today where it all accumulates and I look at myself and feel like a failure in life. Over dinner as I talked with Paul about my feelings of inadequecy and my fears that my future children will see their mother as a failure I decided to take charge and help break myself out of this mode. Starting this summer I have decided to take a stab at several personal projects that I would like to accomplish in the hopes that through these experiences I will not only break through my shell of not trying new things but also learn that failure is a part of life and it does not mean by not succeeding the first time you are doomed to not succeed forever. While the projects I would like to accomplish are small and personal (one of them is I would like to learn to sew and make stuffed animals and crochet little amigurami dolls for my future children and their friends) I hope that they will be the experiences I need to finally break free of the negative self talk I have perscriped to all these years. My hope is that as the fall rolls around and Paul and I embark on the next big adventure of our lives I will be able to take those first new steps forward with a fresh new attitude on life that I can not only show the world but also express to my future children. I plan on blogging hopefully the progress as I attempt sewing, crocheting, and scrapbooking. Wish me luck as I take the first steps on this personal journey that I hope will change the negative views I have carried with me up till now and help make me a happier person, wife, and mother.
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| | Posted 6/14/2009 12:54 AM - 19 Views - 6 eProps - 3 comments
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